Journey Collage 2005
I had a moment this weekend when I alternately considered getting a 9-5 job or going back to school come fall or spring. I’ll be the first to admit that this happened on Saturday afternoon, when I was still tired mentally and physically after teaching a kid’s art camp the week before which was probably not the best time to be thinking about such a life changing venture.
Saturday evening, my husband and I had a rare evening alone because my daughter was at a friend’s house for a sleepover. I was looking forward to the evening since I wanted to talk to him about everything that had been floating around in my head all day but I found it hard to organize my thoughts coherently. Slowly the discussion turned to finances and I realized that I get stressed out about money. A lot – and the summer is a time of the year where I don’t earn much in the way of an income.
I always thought I didn’t care about money, but I do, especially when I have to watch every single penny – which is something we’ve had to do ever since I left my job with United Airlines in 2002. We always had a double income up until that date. Yes, I make an income (albeit sporadic), but it’s probably less than half if not more, of what I made at UAL.
While left to my own devices that afternoon, I started thinking about how the notion of being an artist is so incredibly self indulgent. (Oh yes, it get’s worse!) Do I think artists are valuable? Hell yes! What would we do without art in our lives?? But, this didn’t quiet my mind. I wondered if I was chasing pure folly, bored or maybe just frustrated?
I asked my husband what he would do if money were no object. We both agreed that a person has to do something with their time and it might as well be fulfilling. Certainly life’s too short to do something that doesn’t give a person any satisfaction. When I started mourning my UAL job, I realized that I missed the income and all the benefits – but definitely not the job. I hadn’t liked my job for at least 5-10 years leading up my resignation. No, I miss the financial security and routine.
I perused Craigslist Denver, The Denver Post, Monster Jobs and all the other job websites out there. Nothing looked appealing to me. Then, I started looking at education programs. What do I actually enjoy doing? I could have majored in Computer Science when I was younger – but when I checked the degree program, I realized that I would have to take entirely too much math before I could even start the program in order to take the first year math for CS majors. I looked at digital art programs and found one at University of Colorado that looked interesting and offered a few different paths. I checked out some MFA programs in ceramics. But, unless, I could get into University of Colorado at Boulder, my family would have to relocate. I returned to look at the MLA program that I dropped out of in 2005 at the University of Colorado at Denver.
I often joke that I will be reincarnated as a landscape architect. I enjoyed the program, but found that it took quite a toll on my role as a mom to my then 7 year old child. I remember one day, when I picked her up late from school and she asked if I could do something with her when we got home, I told her, “No, mommy has to study.” She replied, “I wish you weren’t in school, you never have any time for me!” It hit me like ton of bricks and I vowed to put her first from then on.
Then, on top of it all, I started to feel sorry for myself. For crying out loud, I’m a 42 year old woman and I should know what I want to be when I grow up! Hell, I should already be grown up by now.
So, now, even I am asking myself, “What about clay? Can’t you just apply yourself and work harder?” Here’s my inner most insecure voice answering, “Yeah, but it’s so hard…..”
My husband listened to me moan & whine, we talked and we have sort of come up with a plan that will alleviate the financial stress for both of us. The sad thing is that when we did the math, we make way more than the average American family of 3. I’m not sure how other people earning less do it – no wonder our economy is such a mess. A moneyless, barter type community is sure starting to look good to me right now. I should probably tell you that we have no credit card bills, no car payment – only a mortgage payment and our monthly utility/food/insurance bills, etc. The mortgage payment is probably a little bigger than it should be (it’s not outrageous), but we pay for the area we live in. People, we really are fine financially – maybe all the dire economic news is just starting to get to me.
Anyway, we agreed that I should not make any decisions about returning to school before allowing some time and my momentary ennui to pass. I did find out that I could return to the MLA program at UCD – I simply have to apply to the school again, but not the program. I dread compiling recommendation letters, transcripts and writing the dreaded essay all over again.
So, where does that leave clay and ceramics? I think I know from where my artistic doubts are coming. I haven’t kept a regular studio schedule since I started preparing for my kid’s camps. My energy has been so concentrated on these camps the past month and since it’s the first summer I’ve taught at the Art Student’s League or Anderson Ranch, I have been hyper focused because I want to do a good great job and make a good impression. My work has been sidelined for the time being and I have become clay neutered!
Meanwhile, I have actually been thinking about new work I’d like to make (it’s coming to me slowly), and it’s not all functional. When I started thinking about possible new work, that little nagging voice crept inside and admonished the artist in me for not having a series or some kind of a problem, statement etc. that I’m expressing/working on. (Yes, I’ve been trying to write an artist’s statement.) I worry that by confessing all of this that anyone reading will be turned off. People like confident people and don’t necessarily want to hear about someone else’s insecurities.
A funny thing happened after I unloaded all those thoughts that had been building onto my unsuspecting husband Saturday night; I started feeling better. Maybe I just needed to voice my fears and frustrations out loud, instead of letting them ruminate and gain strength silently inside my head. He then challenged me to a game of scrabble – and guess what? I won 3 out of 3. I normally lose at least one, but I was on fire. Do we know how to party on a Saturday night or what?
Trancept detail for my final landscape architecture final 2005 (ink on mylar 1/4″ scale)
Switching gears ever so slightly… Yesterday, I was planning for my printmaking + clay kid’s art camp and stumbled upon several of my landscape projects from school. It was bizarre timing if you ask me given my recent mental gymnastics. This is section of my final project and shows a frontal, side and top view of a series of arches that I designed for a corridor of Denver that we were looking at. Mine had a decidedly contemporary minimalist feel to it and when I look at the drawing, which is a type of drawing that’s very mechanical, I feel sort of ambivalent. I can’t even tell you how many hours I spent on this project and my jury wasn’t terribly impressed with it either. I think I got a B on my final and an A- overall for the studio. I know, you say a B is nothing to sneeze at, but not if you’re used to getting As. The comments I received at the crit pissed me off just a tad – the project was critiqued as a public art program in disguise. I guess I didn’t defend myself very well that day.
My final L/A project boards that I had to present and defend in 2005
The funny thing, is that in retrospect, it’s a horrible project, albeit nicely packaged. In real life, it would receive a lot of criticism and is rather sterile compared to my mid-term project. While some students cried after jury, I never did. In fact, after this one, I tracked down and talked to almost every single juror (who were all outside L/A professionals) for more clarification. I think part of my problem was that I was so married to this piece that I couldn’t think straight when it finally came time to present it. After awhile, time constraints force a person to choose a theme/design and make it work regardless of whether it has merit or not.
If I were to return to L/A school, I would definitely push the limits of some outlandish concepts and I started thinking about some of those ideas this past weekend. As humans, we push our notions of beauty, conformity, utility, landscape, design etc. on our personal landscapes. And, by landscape I mean our environment and culture – literally and figuratively. Everything is packaged and judged by its outward appearance. Can ugly be beautiful/popular? Can nothing be useful? Where does comfort come into play?
I’ve started thinking about clay again.
~Cynthia
21 Responses to “Weird Weekend & Artistic Doubts”
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Oh no I didn’t just write an incredibly long post! Truth be told, writing helps me figure things out. I know the latter part sounds like a bunch of art school crap too. Perhaps I haven’t dug down deep enough inside of myself to find my path yet and maybe I think that I need the outside pressure of a job or a an education program to force myself to ask and answer the hard questions. All I probably need to do is put my butt in the studio.
Also, I DO enjoy teaching. This week has been terrific – I put way too much pressure on myself last week.
OK here’s a thought. . . .what about a part time job teaching pottery? At maybe college level or something? Maybe a part time job at the Guild? Something that gives you some income and some regular hrs but NOT REALLY. HUmmmmmmm Mary
Hey Cynthia. What an epic post. Thanks for sharing all of your thoughts. I’ve been making pots for over twenty years and have doubts about its financial rewards several times every year, guaranteed!. I’m convinced it’s part of the cycle of work. I think you should write more more about it and talk more about it and by getting things out you will probably find a lot of answers. I appreciate your situation and am confident that you will find your way. I think that these moments of doubt are great motivators if nothing else.
I could have written this post all the way down to the financial details! Think about this, though, Cynthia: if you are a highly independent, achieving, type A person, like you and me, giving up structure, position and a financial cushion is as stressful in its own way as the very different kind of stress, related to the jobs we gave up, caused for us! It’s just a different kind of ‘performance anxiety’. I thought I’d be over it by now, too, but seem to face it every working day. At least you’ve taken up a little of the slack with your teaching. It’s hard breaking away from those (40+!) years of society (and in my case, myparents and friends) telling you you’re a flake and a loser if you give up a good career to follow your muse — unless your muse is something highly acceptable to society, like pediatrics or politics. I have learned that the passion art generates is eomthing that people who don’t share it TOTALLY cannot realte to and that’s hard to deal with on a day-to-day basis.
Me, my career alternative at this late date was (and still is), strangeley enough, completing a very challenging f/t 2 year course in school psychology (not counselling — it’s a diagnostic position). I keep looking at it… As for landscape architecture, my cousin is a successful LA with an MLA from UBC. He’s very happy with it, so you never know…
oh baby…do i get it…
keep sharing….
my thought are too long to post now…
but as a fellow mudder…I don’t want you to leave….
UNLESS…..
you truly find something else better for you!
On paper we are fine too. But sometimes it just doesnt feel like it. Probably time to get away for awhile.
Mary – I would love to teach adults at the Art Student’s League or some place similar. At the moment, it looks like many of those positions are filled and there is little movement. I would need an MFA to teach at the college level, even community college. I’m not sure if that’s a good enough reason to apply to a MFA program though.
Michael – as an admirer of your work and blog, I really appreciate your comments! It’s good to know that I’m not necessarily alone with these thoughts. When I woke up this morning, I had a bit of blog post regret, much like a hang over and contemplated erasing it, until I saw everyone’s comments.
Andrea, bless you! How can something that is so rewarding in its own right, also cause stress? I think your answer hit the nail on the head. And, you’re right too, I am a type A sort of person in disguise as a laid back one. Not many people realize that about me. I so struggle with the idea of a noble profession. Intellectually, I know a person is not their job. Yet, why is self worth and/or why does society place a higher value on certain professions? It drives me crazy to not only witness it, but to catch myself doing it too. I also keep asking myself, why I can’t have more than one interest. So, if diagnostic psychology is calling to you, then you should maybe dip your toes in the pond to try it out. UBC has a great L/A program, btw.
Judi – I know. I could never give up clay entirely. I always come back to it – I have taken at least 2 clay breaks in the past 8 years.
I think I’m at a point where I need to make some new work and to push myself just a bit to make something that speaks to me on a deeper level.
Janet – same here – on paper we’re as the old saying goes, “house rich, but cash poor”. We are heading to the mountains on Sunday and while I’ll be teaching in the afternoons, I will be removed from the day to day routine that is my life here in Denver. I’m looking forward to hiking, cool mountain nights, interesting art talks, beautiful scenery, hanging out with my family, reading and writing. I’m not bringing any clay along, but, I might bring my sketch book. I haven’t sketched just to sketch in such a long time.
I’m so glad to hear other peoples doubts in black and white. I hate and loathe journaling because that is where I intend to work out a lot of doubts, but instead I just ruminate. Argh!! It turns into one big pity party. I’m not going to be a part of that. So, instead I talk to my sweetie also. When he was dying we thought, it was one of my biggest worries; how would I not become beyond ’strange’ living by myself? Two head working on a problem of unity is always better than one.
So, as you stuggle with your thinking, let me tell you a bit about our situation. We are retired almost 20 years. Our house we bought out right, our cars the same. We have savings and IRA retirements but our company was sold 3 times in ten years and while the companies who buy you can’t touch the principle, they can play with the dividends from the principle all they want and so we ended up with under 500 a month from them rather than the 1500 we were expecting. Even with the price of gas we are doing well financially. One of the things I’ve learned through life is how to be perfectly (naw, I’ve never been perfect!) content living with what we have. It is tricky sometimes and I have to watch what I spend (especially with over 5,000 going out in teeth in the last 3 months) but it is one of the reasons doing art is important to me. I use almost every penny I receive as gifts in art supplies or books on art, I use the coupons and on line discount places and we do fine.
When you decide, and what a great thing you have the right and the ability to decide, what you want to be when you grow up, let me know. I haven’t figured it out yet and I’m 20 years your senior. But, I love the journey!
I was just reminded that Denver will host the DNC convention. An influx of people coming to town. Maybe a good time for some flyers in local restaurants? Or leave business cards around?
I want to be an artist when I grow up!
“I started thinking about how the notion of being an artist is so incredibly self indulgent.”
Ah, yes, I think that all the time. I’m probably making half to a third of the income I could be making if I went back to a corporate design job. And this grates on me from time to time, like I am not doing enough for my family. That I am being (as you said) self-indulgent. I often worry: Should I go back? Heck, at this point (7 years after I left the design field) could I even go back if I wanted to?
But these doubts aren’t just the doubts of an artist. I think anyone running their own business feels this way (unless the business is raking in the dough). All I can hope is that by pursuing my own path, I am showing my kids a way to live. That you don’t have to just take the easy money job, that you can do what you like, run your own business, merge work and live in a healthier balance. All that. (OK, now I’m rambling.)
Couple of short thoughts ….
Aren’t we always spoze to be kids at heart? It’s when we “grow up” that we become rigid and die (inside).
Being an artist is not a profession! It is an inescapable part of our being.
We experience our greatest doubts just before we make incredable break-throughs into new growth and creativity.
I have more “short thoughts” about this subject, but right now they escape me for the bird is pecking at my ear and the little dog is trying to jump into my lap!
Hugs
Chae
You’ve had the courage to voice in writing a lot of my own concerns. I worked a 9-5 job for 30 years and I don’t want to go back to working in an office.
I’ve had my own business for the last 4 years and the income doesn’t meet the investment but it has led me to working with clay for which I am very thankful. When I was younger I used to know exactly what I wanted and went about getting it. Now I find my life is at another crossroad and is more of a journey, sometimes well thought out, but other times more of a flow. I plan on doing some substitute teaching while I am thinking and flowing, and hopefully that will supplement my income so I may do what I now want to do – ceramic art.
We are planning on selling our house and downsizing (so we both can work at what we want – instead of what we have to) and so I can have a studio (that isn’t spread out in the spare bedroom, garage, back porch, etc). I eventually hope to be able to host and teach ceramic classes to children and adults. I feel art is so important and is oftentimes left out of many school curriculums. I feel if adults and children are exposed to art or clay they will develop confidence and problem solving techniques which will help them in their lives whatever they do or choose to do. I admire you for teaching art to children – and you are so good at it too.
Whatever you choose to do I wish you fulfillment and financial success (as I am sure you will be successful otherwise).
Unfortunately in today’s world with costs rising and salaries not keeping pace, it seems harder and harder to fulfill ones dreams and be successful financially – at least for me.
Cynthia,Thanks for this post. Believe me you are not alone.I agree with Michael that these kinds of thoughts are part of the work cycle. When these doubts creep in I try to imagine myself doing other jobs,and what it would be like on a day to day basis (for me). Would I be happier?I also ask myself, how has the path I chose contributed to my life? I think being a clay artist isn’t for everyone but to those who are of a creative nature, the return is far beyond monetary,an enriched life style, albeit a frugal one.
If your in a position to do it, and sounds like you are, take note of the benefits while getting engaged in a studio project.
I agree again with Michael that doubt can be a motivator.
I think these economic times has everyone nervous. You are a gifted creative teacher and I think you should consider continuing in some capacity. The times we live in are calling out for creative teachers,those who can awaken and inspire us to live a more conscious life.
Cynthia, kudos to you for sharing. I can’t tell you how many times I feel the same way, but on the other side of doing art and having a full time job. For me, I have no one in my family that is into the creative business and they just don’t understand the torture that we put ourselves through sometimes about what we love to do: create art. For me, I find it frustrating that I often will come home from my job and be just wiped out, yet needing to continue on a book project or a painting. Sure a little security with the pay is nice to have, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish I was in the studio instead of being at work. Only if we were paid what we should be as artists would our guilt be gone! If you do decide to go through with getting a job of some sort, definitely start part time so that you don’t loose the love of your pottery by being to tired from work. Thanks again for bringing this subject to your blog!
Thank you for sharing this Cynthia. It’s good to know that even those whose work I admire so much have doubts, and that I am not alone. Yes it was a long post, but I enjoyed reading it.
I worry that I am being self indulgent too – with time, money, and presuming that anyone else will even want to look at it! What’s so special about me or what I do? But you know what? I NEED to do it. I wonder how I even got through life up to this point without it. It’s the only thing that brings peace to my life.
I meant to say – Leanne found a great way to bannish those self doubts! She personified them as monsters that she could laugh at here. This is only the first post that she did of them – later she created a huge monster eater!
Mary T – you are such a wise, wise woman! I was so worried about your husband and you during his hospitalization. In some ways, I was reminded of my grandparents with whom I was so close. At 20 years my senior however, you’re just old enough to be my mom though.
While my grandmother mourned my grandfather’s death, and didn’t think she’d go on, she did. Even learning how to drive at age 78. I think you’re absolutely right that we’re lucky to live in a place and age where I do have these choices!
Janet – I’m looking forward to the DNC convention and hope that there are some events that I can take my daughter too. Some local artists are organizing shows and events for the DNC – but many were miffed that the City of Denver chose mostly out of state artists for the official venues/events.
I so envy you, LB – and others who are so completely absolutely certain about their futures.
Dan, why do we feel that way sometimes? As to job hunting – most positions that I’m qualified for are pure drudgery (imho) after spending so much time with UAL. I do have a ton of customer service experience and am good at mediating tough situations, but not many travel related businesses are hiring. Otherwise, I looked at non-profits and McDonalds pays more. Doh. That’s why, I think I asked myself and my husband what we would want to do with our lives if money were no object. I think a lot of my angst comes from that. And, take the financial stress away and anything is possible. It’s okay to ramble on my blog – I sure do.
Chae, “It’s when we “grow up†that we become rigid and die (inside).” Brilliant! I think a good part of my art is unlearning the rules. One of the reasons I enjoy teaching kids is that they haven’t learned the rules yet. (though sadly, some have and you can tell because they freeze up)
Thank you, Linda! That’s actually on our plan too – not necessarily to downsize our house, since it’s already so tiny – but to capitalize on the equity in our home which is in a trendy area and still very popular despite the housing crisis. We purchased in ‘94 when prices were still reasonable and we’re planning on moving into a home that we’ve been renting out for the past 10 years in a less trendy area of Denver. We had some crazy luck with a real estate since we’ve been married.
I never set out to be wealthy either – I just want to be comfortable and to not worry about the future.
Mary – “I think being a clay artist isn’t for everyone but to those who are of a creative nature, the return is far beyond monetary,an enriched life style,” You are absolutely right – and I try to remind myself of this too. I really am happy that I’m able to take my daughter to school, pick her up, attend field trips, etc. and not worry about day care. My family is far more happy with my flexible schedule too.
Shawn – I’m so happy other artists are commenting about this topic! It’s a comfort to know that I am not alone. I guess I sort of do work part time during the school year as a substitute teacher, and then by teaching clay classes to kids. I must be experiencing some momentary neurosis of sorts.
Linda – absolutely. When I have shut art out of my life, I’ve been sort of mechanical. I do think art is therapeutic and a natural part of life. I will have to check out Leanne’s work when I get home – I look forward to seeing her monsters.
Cynthia, while I do not have answers for you, I love reading your long posts! I can’t help but thinking, though, what about Clay *and* scrabble????
Thanks Jean! I love a good game of scrabble and of course getting muddy. I think I was just having an insecure moment.
Cynthia, this sounds like a post I could have written. I struggle with this on an continual basis. Thanks for putting it into words.