Or was I just having a pity party?
Daughter has found some cool tools on the new camera...
It could be a touch of both. Luckily, I snapped myself out of it because like Danzig (in photo above) says, it’s just not a pretty site or very becoming. I spent most of Wednesday prone in bed depressed and was a real mess. I am not normally a sad person and am the first to “snap out” of any perceived unpleasant situation, but I admit – I was pathetic Wednesday. In bed by 6pm, refusing to make dinner – let alone eat, sleeping till my ears physically hurt until finally crawling out of bed Thursday morning at 7am.
Why? I think that the impending move is wigging me out just a little, along with the prospect of going back to school in the fall at age 42 and the general let down feeling that sometimes follows after a busy schedule comes crashing to a sudden halt among other things. How does one regroup and recapture some of the previous energy and focus?
I recognize that while it’s normal to have occasional low moments, it’s not okay to dwell on them because it’s likely to cause stagnation and even regression (for me at least – and disclaimer here – I am not making light of depression and know it is a serious disease). If I look around my neighborhood, the city or heck the world I find that there are many who would trade their very real problems with my perceived ones. Close to home, one of my friends and former classmates from high school is having a very real family crisis that would put anyone to the test.
You see, my friend’s wife was diagnosed with ALS a couple of year’s ago. She is a mere 40 years old and has 3 beautiful girls under the age of 12 – my problems pale in comparison. After thinking about Heidi, I laced up my running shoes and hit the trails hard because I know she would trade her weakened muscles and wheel chair for my able body and the promise that anything is possible with me any day of the week. I ran at top speed until my legs and lungs burned. Angrily, I ran for Heidi thinking how unfair life can be. I ran till I could barely breathe and my normally hyper active dog had to concentrate to keep up. I ran until I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself any more. When I finally slowed to a jog, I knew that I had to push my angst aside and concentrate on the possible because worrying about what hasn’t happened yet is really really unproductive and quite spirit crushing.
When I returned home, I had recovered my focus and know that whatever it is that I end up doing in the near and distant future, I need to do it with gusto and certainty. There are no dress rehearsals in life.
~Cynthia
P.S. On a lighter note, I did figure one thing out – I am planning on running a 1/2 marathon in the fall and have been wondering how I’d fit the training in once school starts in August. Then I remembered a recent article in Runner’s World about running commuters – perfect solution, “kills 2 birds with one stone” so to speak (my daughter hates that phrase – click on the link to see some alternatives). My new commute from home will be roughly 3.5 miles each way once we move – easy peasy – though I will have to figure out the whole sweaty/changing clothes thing.
7 Responses to “Self Imposed Angst…”
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.
Angst, Depression, etc. None of it is pretty. As someone who has had bouts of depression (the diagnosed kind) I didn’t feel you were making light of it. Heck, in the old days that is what Southern Women at least did. They took to their beds. Who is to say it was wrong or not appropriate. I’m not going to. So, it sounds to me like you had a meeting of Cynthia to the wall and you ran it out. Good for you!
I can see how people could be consumed by.. depression – it’s easy to let it wash over oneself. Or turn to heavy drinking or drugs….
I haven’t visited in far too long (I am so overloaded at this time of year!). It looks like I’ve missed some important developments. All very exciting and stressful — I both envy you and am relieved it’s not me! No surprise that you had a mini meltdown but sounds like you dealt with it beautifully. It’s all relative and the endorphins are always a big help I find! (The dog I just adopted will be FANTASTIC to run with and am looking forward to getting off the treadmill — literally and figuratively — and starting that next week!) Good luck and I know you’ll do well at everything you tackle. Exciting times. (PS My cousin, the landscape architect, just finished his job here in Vancouver and has moved to Manhattan to marry a NYC pastry chef and start a new job. VERY exciting!)
The endorphins ALWAYS help, though somehow when I first started running, I thought “runner’s high” would feel slightly different. Yet, somehow even when I feel great after a run, I sometimes have to bargain with myself to lace up the shoes. Weird…. I think it’s because it’s not always easy.
Congrats on adopting the new dog! I don’t know what I’d do without my 2 furry friends.
Landscape arch and pastry chef – now that’s my kind of union!
I fully understand and it makes you more human to admit the pain.
We all hit walls- I am having some issues getting over one myself.
And I keep telling myself move on and do something-
thanks for always inspiring.
This is one of those posts that I considered deleting after posting, but it always helps me once I get stuff like this off my chest. “Here I am – take me or leave me…” I hate hitting walls and sometimes, it’s even harder admitting it.
Hi Cynthia, heck anyone would be stressed thinking about moving, not to mention the remodeling and school too, that’s a lot on your plate. I have found the same to be true if I get some things off my chest I feel so much better. Many times I feel guilty for being down thinking I have so much more than so many, but sometimes mental and physical rest (like sleeping) and the lows make me appreciate the highs so much more.